Pandora’s Box

For those of you out there who have been following, you know that I’ve been trying to figure out my passion. Asking questions and evaluating everything about me. Trying different things and experimenting with finding “my” way. Well, this past week I’ve been on a downward spiral, second guessing everything and today was a very low point day. This whole process is very taxing on the emotions.

It’s a real roller coaster of back and forth, and back and forth. Even reading through my posts I can see my own emotional and mental yo-yo happening ( which is very reflective of the process ) . “I think it could be this….no wait…maybe it’s this…hold on…how about this…yes, I found the answer…nope, not it” It’s like being uncomfortable in your own skin, constantly trying to make adjustments to see if it fits perfectly, and just when you think, maybe just maybe, it crumbles to your feet.

Today, I was looking through all these lists and notes I’ve made to myself and came to the conclusion it was all crap. They were all full of justifications and rationalizations. As I was reading them, the voice inside my head wasn’t mine. It was of the people who originally said them. It was the voices of people like my father, my friends ( past and present ), my brother, my teachers. Hardly any of it was my own. How is it supposed to be “my” passion, when it’s not even my voice inside my head? So, I threw it all out. I figured better to start again from scratch then sifting through the junk.

Days like today there is a dark side in my brain wishing I had never started this journey. It would be so much easier if I just stayed completely ignorant. I probably could have been content with what I was doing but that would have been the most I could be, content. And I don’t want that. I want fire and passion!

I couldn’t even go back if I wanted. There is a quote I often say, “I don’t know what I don’t know.” The catch is once you do know, you can never unlearn it. It’s like riding a bike. Once you’ve learned you can’t just wake up one morning and choose to forget. Even after not riding for years, the minute you sit on one, it’s all there, you’re riding again. I think that’s a beautiful thing about trying to figure yourself out. Regardless of the direction, you’re always moving forward.

Note: There is one thing I’m keeping, and that is my purpose statement. It made me cry, and that means it’s all mine.