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I guess I’ve had enough time to follow the dreams, and now it’s time to set them aside and focus on getting a job. I was hoping to have my dream website done so that I could make “billions” of dollars. But I guess that I’m just going to have to wait on that. The dream isn’t dead, but it’s just not going to be moving along as quickly as it could. Resumes are flying out the door today. Temp services have been called and I’m now active, waiting for someone in the work world not to come in today, or call in sick for tomorrow from some reason or another. I’m following the smell of job’s around the town. I’m following the trail that leads me to money, for I have none.

A part of me feels that this past six months have been a complete failure. I’m wondering why couldn’t I do it. What’s wrong with me? I’m stupid for thinking that I could accomplish such a task. It’s not like it’s rocket science. In my eyes it was a simple site. A simple website. It shouldn’t have been that challenging. And in a way it probably wasn’t. In a way, maybe I have. But in so many more ways, I haven’t. In the past six months I’ve learned so much. I’ve gained so many new perspectives. I’ve tried new things, looked at things differently. I’ve learned a lot about who I am, and what makes me tick. I’ve asked myself some serious questions ( not like I got all the answers but at least the question was asked ). I’ve grown. And that, in my opinion, out ways this “failure”. So in the grand scheme of things I’ve succeeded because 1) I’m not done. I’m going to keep this going. Sure it’s going to take more time, but I’m still moving forward with it. and 2) I have no regrets. I learned something about me from this whole venture. And learning something about yourself is something that you will keep the rest of your life.

So, off to the pavement, with resumes, a smile and a hand shake ready. I’m off to get me a job. I need to work to live.

Had the privilege of watching The Corporation this week. Being one who has worked in the corporate cog it makes me feel a little dirty. After watching, I found myself thinking about the small businesses, the family business, all the business that I over look when on my to any big global company, just because I know the name and saw their ad.

The wiki is now officially gone and deleted. All files deleted; all remnants removed. I’ve updated the mod_rewrite so it should rewrite any book marks that might be stored. If you’ve got any probs, like I always say, leave a comment somewhere and I’ll get it.

With the inclusion of pages in WordPress, there isn’t really a need for the wiki anymore. So, on that note, I’m going to start transitioning the wiki into WordPress pages. I think it will a) open up space on my server for other things and b) integrate all my content into one nice little platform. I’ll be setting up RewriteRules to accommodate the new paths for anyone with bookmarks, but if it doesn’t work, let me know and I’ll get it fixed.

Today was a big day for me. I found out that I was a ritalin kid ( I guess this ties into my recent post declaring myself as a generalist). I knew that I was hyperactive but the thought of actually being diagnosed, that adds an interesting realm to the whole thing. Now a days the definition has changed to ADHD, but it’s all the same.

This is having a funny impact, one that I didn’t expect. It’s the idea of a label. What I have, the problems I’ve faced my entire life now has a label. That seems to have a profound relation to how you handle it. What once I thought was unique about me, by definition, is now considered a disorder – something unwanted, something to remove. I was fighting my own mind. Half of me was agreeing with the term but the other half was yelling, “don’t get rid of it”. Today I found myself driving around town trying to deal with this new found memory. My thoughts drifting as I like to let them; flashes of me wondering. What would it be like to focus for longer then 20 minutes on something? How much more could I accomplish without this? I could actually finish something for once in my life. I found that I was starting to bucket my memories and put “blame” for things. Oh, I did that because I was ADHD. A “regular” person wouldn’t have done that…it must have been because the ADHD.

But I don’t like labels. And this is a prime example for it. It makes excuses. “Oh I can’t finish __ because I’m ADHD”. That’s a bunch of crap! I shook my head around a little and the other half kicks in and reminds me, what would my life have been without it? I wouldn’t be me, that’s for sure. And then I started to think about it more. You know, It’s something that allows me to adapt quicker then others. Because of it, I’m hard wired to deal with several things at once. I’m designed to multi-task. I can use my whirlwind mind can create patterns in a moment where others need time. I can split out possibility after possibility without a second thought. All I need to do is allow my mind to ramble. My disorder is not a disorder at all but a blessing. It makes me, me.

And so, at the end of the day, I wonder, How big was it? Oh it was a big day, but will I change because of it? No way!