Month: February 2005

I guess what I thought was a bad week has trickled into another. I knew challenges would be ahead and I knew there would be storms, and right now I’m in a doozie. Things aren’t full of joy and roses and a matter of fact, nervous tension is starting to build as this endeavour is starting to drain the bank account.

But, I’m not going to let that stop me from at least posting something to my blog. I can’t and I won’t. Blogging is great for the readers but even better for the blogger. It’s a great tool to push your own envelop. It keeps you looking and asking and searching for things. It helps me keep on my toes and regardless of what’s going on, everything I read I ask myself, “Is that something I should post about?” And if it could be I give is a shot.
This morning I remembered that I haven’t done a personality test in a while. For me it’s a fun thing thing. I thought I needed it considering the troubles I’ve been having. I needed the break. I like to keep up with them, to see how I’m doing, if I’m still the same or if I’ve changed over time. So far I’ve found good tests at similarminds.com. I personally like the Jung+Enneagram. So I did it. My results haven’t changed since last time, here they are.

Jung Type: ENFP

“Journalist”. Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.

Enneagram: 9 sx/sp/so

Type 1	Perfectionism	||||	20%
Type 2	Helpfulness	||||||||||||||||	63%
Type 3	Image Awareness	||||||||||||||	60%
Type 4	Sensitivity	||||||||||	40%
Type 5	Detachment	||||||||||||||||||	73%
Type 6	Anxiety	||||||||||||	43%
Type 7	Adventurousness	||||||||||||||	60%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	||||||||||||||	53%
Type 9	Calmness	||||||||||||||||||||	90%

Nines are calm, laid-back, and optimistic. They are able to see everyone’s point of view and have a natural desire for peace. Nines are effective mediators. Fearful of conflict and separation from others, they may be too accommodating.

Your variant is sexual: sx/sp/so

Overall, you score highest on assertive traits (sx), followed by withdrawn traits (sp), and lowest on complaint traits (so)

Just when I finish a post about today’s needed distraction, my brother sends me this. Now I’m going to be sining “It’s peanut butter jelly time!” for the next couple of days. Nice.

For those of you out there who have been following, you know that I’ve been trying to figure out my passion. Asking questions and evaluating everything about me. Trying different things and experimenting with finding “my” way. Well, this past week I’ve been on a downward spiral, second guessing everything and today was a very low point day. This whole process is very taxing on the emotions.

It’s a real roller coaster of back and forth, and back and forth. Even reading through my posts I can see my own emotional and mental yo-yo happening ( which is very reflective of the process ) . “I think it could be this….no wait…maybe it’s this…hold on…how about this…yes, I found the answer…nope, not it” It’s like being uncomfortable in your own skin, constantly trying to make adjustments to see if it fits perfectly, and just when you think, maybe just maybe, it crumbles to your feet.

Today, I was looking through all these lists and notes I’ve made to myself and came to the conclusion it was all crap. They were all full of justifications and rationalizations. As I was reading them, the voice inside my head wasn’t mine. It was of the people who originally said them. It was the voices of people like my father, my friends ( past and present ), my brother, my teachers. Hardly any of it was my own. How is it supposed to be “my” passion, when it’s not even my voice inside my head? So, I threw it all out. I figured better to start again from scratch then sifting through the junk.

Days like today there is a dark side in my brain wishing I had never started this journey. It would be so much easier if I just stayed completely ignorant. I probably could have been content with what I was doing but that would have been the most I could be, content. And I don’t want that. I want fire and passion!

I couldn’t even go back if I wanted. There is a quote I often say, “I don’t know what I don’t know.” The catch is once you do know, you can never unlearn it. It’s like riding a bike. Once you’ve learned you can’t just wake up one morning and choose to forget. Even after not riding for years, the minute you sit on one, it’s all there, you’re riding again. I think that’s a beautiful thing about trying to figure yourself out. Regardless of the direction, you’re always moving forward.

Note: There is one thing I’m keeping, and that is my purpose statement. It made me cry, and that means it’s all mine.

Once in a while when people ask me how things are going, I answer, “I’m fighting.” They often wonder what. I tell them it’s a battle. That I’m not exactly sure who the monster is or the demons in the war, but that regardless of my surrounding, it’s a battlefield.

I think this afternoon I got some insight into this battle, maybe even a weapon or two. I can now put some faces to my enemy, they all look like me. Steven Pressfield’s, the War of Art, is a blunt kick in the ass as to show who the real demons are. It’s a refreshing word as to the importance and necessity of persistence to our visions and our true selves.

It’s definitely got my brain turning and racing as I look around and see evidence of my losses. As I’m getting closer and closer to the real me, the Resistance ( yes, that’s a capital R) against me, is also increasing. I just need to keep in check with it. I need to look it in the face and keep paddling through it. I need to keep at it regardless of the surroundings. I need to do it, even if I was the last person on earth.

One of my personal battles is with scheduling, as you’ve seen in my previous posts. Yet there was a passage that got me thinking.

Someone once asked Somerset Maugham if he wrote on a schedule or only when struck by inspiration. “I write only when inspiration strikes,” He replied. “Fortunately it strikes every morning at nine o’clock sharp.”

It makes me question. Maybe it wasn’t that my passion was being killed by the calendar, but as I got closer to what I needed to do, Resistance was fighting harder. I justified and rationalized this whole thing out of the picture. I looked again at the list of Needs, Talents, Passion and Purpose. And there it was, completely overlooked: Sharing, Creating Community.

I know I haven’t spelled out too much of what I’m trying to do in my posts, but essentially it’s an online event calendar. It’s sharing with others information about what’s going on. And in essence creating communities. So how is it that what I’m building isn’t in that?

Those damn sirens of the sea! Causing hallucinations and madness. And they would have gotten away with it if it were for that darn book!

Saw this on The Hour last night. Who plays this on the air? I guess George does.