Month: February 2005

I guess what I thought was a bad week has trickled into another. I knew challenges would be ahead and I knew there would be storms, and right now I’m in a doozie. Things aren’t full of joy and roses and a matter of fact, nervous tension is starting to build as this endeavour is starting to drain the bank account.

But, I’m not going to let that stop me from at least posting something to my blog. I can’t and I won’t. Blogging is great for the readers but even better for the blogger. It’s a great tool to push your own envelop. It keeps you looking and asking and searching for things. It helps me keep on my toes and regardless of what’s going on, everything I read I ask myself, “Is that something I should post about?” And if it could be I give is a shot.
This morning I remembered that I haven’t done a personality test in a while. For me it’s a fun thing thing. I thought I needed it considering the troubles I’ve been having. I needed the break. I like to keep up with them, to see how I’m doing, if I’m still the same or if I’ve changed over time. So far I’ve found good tests at similarminds.com. I personally like the Jung+Enneagram. So I did it. My results haven’t changed since last time, here they are.

Jung Type: ENFP

“Journalist”. Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.

Enneagram: 9 sx/sp/so

Type 1	Perfectionism	||||	20%
Type 2	Helpfulness	||||||||||||||||	63%
Type 3	Image Awareness	||||||||||||||	60%
Type 4	Sensitivity	||||||||||	40%
Type 5	Detachment	||||||||||||||||||	73%
Type 6	Anxiety	||||||||||||	43%
Type 7	Adventurousness	||||||||||||||	60%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	||||||||||||||	53%
Type 9	Calmness	||||||||||||||||||||	90%

Nines are calm, laid-back, and optimistic. They are able to see everyone’s point of view and have a natural desire for peace. Nines are effective mediators. Fearful of conflict and separation from others, they may be too accommodating.

Your variant is sexual: sx/sp/so

Overall, you score highest on assertive traits (sx), followed by withdrawn traits (sp), and lowest on complaint traits (so)

Just when I finish a post about today’s needed distraction, my brother sends me this. Now I’m going to be sining “It’s peanut butter jelly time!” for the next couple of days. Nice.

For those of you out there who have been following, you know that I’ve been trying to figure out my passion. Asking questions and evaluating everything about me. Trying different things and experimenting with finding “my” way. Well, this past week I’ve been on a downward spiral, second guessing everything and today was a very low point day. This whole process is very taxing on the emotions.

It’s a real roller coaster of back and forth, and back and forth. Even reading through my posts I can see my own emotional and mental yo-yo happening ( which is very reflective of the process ) . “I think it could be this….no wait…maybe it’s this…hold on…how about this…yes, I found the answer…nope, not it” It’s like being uncomfortable in your own skin, constantly trying to make adjustments to see if it fits perfectly, and just when you think, maybe just maybe, it crumbles to your feet.

Today, I was looking through all these lists and notes I’ve made to myself and came to the conclusion it was all crap. They were all full of justifications and rationalizations. As I was reading them, the voice inside my head wasn’t mine. It was of the people who originally said them. It was the voices of people like my father, my friends ( past and present ), my brother, my teachers. Hardly any of it was my own. How is it supposed to be “my” passion, when it’s not even my voice inside my head? So, I threw it all out. I figured better to start again from scratch then sifting through the junk.

Days like today there is a dark side in my brain wishing I had never started this journey. It would be so much easier if I just stayed completely ignorant. I probably could have been content with what I was doing but that would have been the most I could be, content. And I don’t want that. I want fire and passion!

I couldn’t even go back if I wanted. There is a quote I often say, “I don’t know what I don’t know.” The catch is once you do know, you can never unlearn it. It’s like riding a bike. Once you’ve learned you can’t just wake up one morning and choose to forget. Even after not riding for years, the minute you sit on one, it’s all there, you’re riding again. I think that’s a beautiful thing about trying to figure yourself out. Regardless of the direction, you’re always moving forward.

Note: There is one thing I’m keeping, and that is my purpose statement. It made me cry, and that means it’s all mine.

Once in a while when people ask me how things are going, I answer, “I’m fighting.” They often wonder what. I tell them it’s a battle. That I’m not exactly sure who the monster is or the demons in the war, but that regardless of my surrounding, it’s a battlefield.

I think this afternoon I got some insight into this battle, maybe even a weapon or two. I can now put some faces to my enemy, they all look like me. Steven Pressfield’s, the War of Art, is a blunt kick in the ass as to show who the real demons are. It’s a refreshing word as to the importance and necessity of persistence to our visions and our true selves.

It’s definitely got my brain turning and racing as I look around and see evidence of my losses. As I’m getting closer and closer to the real me, the Resistance ( yes, that’s a capital R) against me, is also increasing. I just need to keep in check with it. I need to look it in the face and keep paddling through it. I need to keep at it regardless of the surroundings. I need to do it, even if I was the last person on earth.

One of my personal battles is with scheduling, as you’ve seen in my previous posts. Yet there was a passage that got me thinking.

Someone once asked Somerset Maugham if he wrote on a schedule or only when struck by inspiration. “I write only when inspiration strikes,” He replied. “Fortunately it strikes every morning at nine o’clock sharp.”

It makes me question. Maybe it wasn’t that my passion was being killed by the calendar, but as I got closer to what I needed to do, Resistance was fighting harder. I justified and rationalized this whole thing out of the picture. I looked again at the list of Needs, Talents, Passion and Purpose. And there it was, completely overlooked: Sharing, Creating Community.

I know I haven’t spelled out too much of what I’m trying to do in my posts, but essentially it’s an online event calendar. It’s sharing with others information about what’s going on. And in essence creating communities. So how is it that what I’m building isn’t in that?

Those damn sirens of the sea! Causing hallucinations and madness. And they would have gotten away with it if it were for that darn book!

Saw this on The Hour last night. Who plays this on the air? I guess George does.

Now this is a nifty idea, instead of using passwords as security, Real User suggests, why not faces? Give it a shot.

Ah, Valentines day. In waking up this morning I walked to my computer only to find all the bloggers in the world taking a moment in their life to celebrate love and joy. Well, for me I’m going to make a post for us lonely out there.

I get the idea of love, and I sure do appreciate those who have it, but with all the hype and publicity of the day, it’s an amplifier to the fact that this morning when I rolled over in bed, their wasn’t anyone there. It’s a reminder that as I’m talking in my living room, only my cat will meow back. It’s a day, where all the memories of Valentines Day’s past are played in my head and how this year it’s solo. Not a good feeling at first, but like anything else, practice makes perfect. Or is it time heals? So, I make due and try and remind myself that I’m my own Valentine.

I suggest to all those out there who aren’t liking today, to be proud and go to a movie and only buy 1 ticket. Go to dinner and say “for 1″. To have a date with yourself. I think sometimes it’s easy to show someone else how much you love them. But I think the real courage and challenge is to show how much you love yourself. Buy yourself something you want. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. For me, I’ve found I enjoy taking a long walk by myself. I stroll and ponder. I use this time to remind myself about things that I want to accomplish. I ask myself, “if I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life, what will make me happy and complete.” I suggest everyone, regardless of companionship status ask themselves this question. So, my jacket and shoes are on, and once I click “publish” for this post, I’m off and walking. Happy Valentines.

When you’ve got lemons you make lemonade. And if you’re Scottish and those royals keep taking the best part of the sheep, you make haggis.
Yes, Robby Burns Day is long gone, yet this weekend at Egmont Marina, it was January 25th. Pipers and fiddles and kilts and beer and haggis, oh my! Everything was there to make a great ceilidh night. And as my tribute, here’s a copy of “Address To A Haggis” by Robert Burns.

Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o’ the puddin-race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang’s my arm.

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o’ need,
While thro’ your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An’ cut ye up wi’ ready slight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright
Like onie ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich!

Then, horn for horn, they strech an’ strive:
Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive,
Till a’ their weel-swall’d kytes belyve,
Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
‘Bethankit!’ hums.

Is there that owre his French ragout
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi’ perfect sconner,
Looks down wi’ sneering, scornfu’ view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckless as a wither’d rash,
His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Thro’ bluidy flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread.
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He’ll make it whissle;
An’ legs, an’ arms, an’ heads will sned,
Like taps o’ thrissle.

Ye Pow’rs wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o ‘fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu’ prayer,
Gie her a Haggis!

I might not have any Scottish blood in my veins but this weekend, I was a Scott!

For those of you like me, who are naturally creative and mildly A.D.D. oriented, a calendar is the death of any passion whatsoever.
I’ve been following an interesting experiment for the past 2 weeks and trying to schedule absolutely everything. I thought that because of my random nature, this would give me more productivity and the ability to allow myself to be scattered. I planned various 1-2 hour tasks ranging from music composition, blog reading, t.v. time, even down to those moments where I like to let me brain drift away ( my “Dream” time ). The first week, I just followed it, no questions asked. The second week I decided log my my true actions as I was doing them and then alter the calendar at the end of the day to show a more accurate picture. It seems that after the first day, I noticed that I “diverted” from the plan. As this week went by I realized that I did this a lot, too much as a matter of fact. So much so, that all the tasks and activities that were the “important” ones, would be the ones I’ve skimped on. I noticed is the more structured I tried to make the day, the more I “diverted”.

I knew that I was having difficulties with the calendar but I didn’t realize it’s full impact until this morning.

After following the advice of Shakti Gawain, thanks to a post by Curt, I decided to go for breakfast and write away in my Moleskine. It was intended just to be something out of the ordinary and since it was a random impulse I decided to follow it. I figured I haven’t really been following my calendar anyway so, why not.

I followed some of the ideas brought forth by today’s posts, about discovering passion and enjoying the journey. I started by categorizing my Needs, Talents, Passion and Purpose. Which was definitely insightful. And then followed it as a trigger to write my fantasies. And once completed I had realized that nowhere, did I have what I was doing currently in there. Hmm, considering I quit my job for this and I’m dwindling away my resources to complete this, this picture has caused a little bit of concern for me.

This calendar has killed my passion. Well … not really killed, I think maybe more like seriously wounded it. As I mentioned in my first sentence, I’m a creative and slightly A.D.D.individual. Chaos is my friend because if you were to look into my mind, that’s what you would see. I’ve been trying to fight it because somewhere along the way, I got the idea that to be an entrepreneur you need to have some semblance of order. You need to have goals and plans, and plans within plans. Structure, structure structure, blah, blah, blah. Well, #!@% that! Goals and plans are one thing, but screw structure!

This is a prime example of when what you are doing conflicts with a fundamental character of who you are. I think all of us have intrinsic characteristics that define us, it’s like the story of the frog and the scorpion. Regardless of how much we learn, or how we change, those characteristics will still continue to be underlying values and core beliefs. Organized people will always organize. Giving people will always give. And, like me, dreamers need to dream. When you fight that fundamental core, the fire starts to fade. You can’t feed a fire with water, or dirt, or rock. So, by forcing myself to a pattern, I was fighting my chaotic nature, which directly resulted in dwindling my passion, regardless of what it was.

Another scary thought is that I’m simply not doing what it is that truly lights my fire. I’m eating leaves when I should be eating logs. But unless I go through this process, and stay open to the possibilities, I’ll never really truly find out.

So, now that I’ve come to these conclusion, what am I going to do next? I have no clue.

It seems that I’ve fallen a little far from my theological roots. You see, when I was younger you could say I grew up in the Ojibwa faith. I’m not native, although my dad looks the part. I’m a full blown white blooded cracker. Yet, I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to follow the faith with a rogue teacher of sorts. I learned various rituals and right of passage. I even got a few native names along the way.

Funny thing is, here I am, 10 years later, trying to figure out my purpose in life. What makes me really resonate? If you’re read my
previous posts you’ll know that I’ve come up with

To be at home with my head in the clouds and music in my heart.

What you don’t know are my native names. I can’t really tell you all of them because they are so sacred that only me and my teacher can know. But what I can say is that I looked at them and when you put them together they pretty much spell out this phrase. Coincidence?

Native names are intended to be pointers and goals. Things that you should learn and understand. A way for you to reflect those lessons on your life to make meaning. Take one of my names, “Walks in the Sky”. What does that mean? How should I be learning? Well I should definitely be having my head in the clouds to do that shouldn’t I? Maybe I should learn something about astrology, or weather patterns? Maybe learn a thing or 2 about the physics of flying? What kind of animals are up there. How do they hunt? Well you have to be able to look far away and with great accuracy to see your prey if you’re flying so high. Hmm, maybe life is like that, maybe it’s a metaphor with how I should be looking at the world from a higher perspective, more globally …. see how this works? It’s like your guide or purpose. And the best part was, you couldn’t forget it because it’s your name! Everyone in the tribe said it. Talk about setting goals.

I should have known this the whole time! Question is, how could I forget these very important pieces of information? How could I forget my names? How can we forget our spirit?

This is time for my midnight rant! I love these sometimes.

Well somehow society and life have a tendency of pushing it away. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s part of the same reason why so many people out their put on a suit only on Sunday; pray only on Sunday; and have only 2 spiritual hours of the week, which is on Sunday. They feel that they can’t be spiritual during the week, so they reserve this one day to repent for all the bad things that life makes them do during the week. Sorry, to those of you, this isn’t spiritual. But why is it our lives and spirituality can’t mix? It’s almost like oil and water. I think I know, it’s because to live in todays society people feel that they need to conform. They feel that they need to do things that they don’t want to. Society has made the majority of people fight their internal beliefs and values to do the “rational” thing, which I’ve found always conflicts with the “passionate” thing. I’ve been conflicted with this my life. Do you know why I work with computers and programming, why I learn about the internet? It’s not really because I love it. Matter of fact, I don’t. I’m good at it, yes. But it’s a rational thing to do. Which would I rather be, a “dreamer” or a “computer programmer”, a “musician” or a “internet consultant”. Answer a “dreaming musician”. Following that heart and desire is at the cornerstone of so many spiritual journeys, and so many people fail because they are afraid, because it’s “silly”. I know I’m afraid. How can I make money at being a “dreaming musician”?

We need to change that. This is why it’s so great to have people like Curt,
and now Steve, working with people on how to rekindle their passions. Because it’s much more than just a passion they are helping you with. They in fact are bringing back your spiritual understanding. They might call it something different, have different tactics to foil and cloud the logical mind into submission, but they in essence are helping you find your name. And, thanks to them, they are helping me remember about mine.