Author: Nick Kempinski

I’ve been looking over the past 121 post’s I’ve done. Reading some of the things I’ve tried and some of the
topics I’ve tried to discuss. In doing so, I’ve noticed that I really do break one of the most cardinal rules
of blogging, “pick a topic”. I haven’t done that. I switch backwards and forwards and sway back and forth. In
a way it’s similar to my life but really what it is, is my own personal struggle to find my voice.

For bands and musicians, they ship them out to foreign countries where no one in the main market can hear
them. It gives them the opportunity to play; try new thing; fail and succeed. But I’m not shipping myself to
those countries nor do I have a development fund to try some very expensive failures. For me this blog is my
way of stretching out and trying.

So although a good blog has a topic, a better one has a writer that the topic resonates with. So for those,
like me, that are trying, the only thing you can really do, is keep writing. Eventually the voice will come
out loud and clear.

Today I’ve been slightly distracted by a dream I had last night. For some it would be classified as gross and
nightmarish, but for me it is kind of relieving. I’m still working it all out, but first I’ll tell you the
dream.

In the dream I was brushing my teeth and it hurt slightly. I could actually start tasting the blood in my
mouth. Eventually I put down the tooth brush and played with the tooth. The second tooth on the right was
pushed in a little further and has an odd colour. So I start to play with it. Eventually I grab on hold of it
and pull. I could feel it coming out, but not painful, more like relief. I looked down at my hand that there
it was, a rotten peg of a tooth, which I squeezed. It was so rotten the it crumbed and mushed in my hands.
The last thing I remember about the dream was consistently tonguing the void and in shock that it just pulled
out like that.

I’m pretty quick at doing my own analysis of my dreams so very rarely am I baffled. This one has me
wondering. WTF?

For those of us locked into only 60 channels of T.V. ( remember when there were 3? ) and especially in the
hick world of Canada, we are just starting to see the pleasures of Dead Like
Me. I saw the pilot on
Showcase the other day and then proceeded to rent most of the first season. There are several good things about the
show:

1. Great concept
2. good scripts
3. All the streets are Vancouver

Yup, good olde ( yes, with an e ) Vancouver. I was aware that Vancouver was becoming a nice little sci-fi
drama capital in the Television industry but lately everywhere I look, It’s Vancouver. And, unlike the
others, with this show, because it’s not supposed to be a planet far away, it makes the idea of Grim Reapers
among us all the more captivating. I find myself immersed just that little extra to say…”that guy died just
outside my office”

I’ve been looking at the word focus….

• Close or narrow attention; concentration
• To concentrate attention or energy
• direct one’s attention on something

And I’m reminded of a quote from The Princess Bride:

“You use that word a lot. I do not think it means what you think it means”

Being in montreal over the past week was a great experience. I got to so the city and listen to a bit of jazz
guitar. The trip was mainly business but the little bit of pleasure I got, was good: good food, good music,
good sights.

The odd thing about the trip was the last night. I had heard that my hotel was in the “seedy” part of town
but I didn’t really click in, until I realized that every woman walking alone was scared of me. On that night
I had decided just to walk around and take in the architecture, the life and the crisp cold air. Most of the
time I liked to stay off the main streets, as the hustle and bustle takes away from the “moment” feeling. One
after the other I noticed that the women who were walking in front of me or by me all reached into their
pockets and purses. It wasn’t like reaching for a kleenex or a mint, I was sure that whatever they pulled out
and held tight in their hand, could do some serious damage to me. It was an odd and scary sensation to see
that they were actually afraid of me. And because they were afraid of me…made me afraid of where I was.

How could I have been afraid of Montreal? It’s a beautiful city with heritage and diversity. Don’t worry,
that last little experience won’t stop me from going back. I definitely want to see it again, and next time
I’ll just stay out of the “seedy” neighborhood.

The other day in The Chrysalis, we covered off a topic Dari like to call Breaking The Silence. It’s a very
personal thing but ultimately the message is this: As you grow up and learn and absorb you take in cues
either directly from things like verbal teachings or more indirectly from things like social observations.
These cues tell you what you can and cannot talk about. Of course everyone has their own person things that
they “can’t” talk about. However, if you ever want to be a creative individual you can’t stop. It might never
go away completely, after all psychological conditioning isn’t something that goes away completely, but what
you can do, is recognize it so that you can move past it. Creative people can’t have a border around their
creativity just like wild animals with fences aren’t wild anymore.

For me, while we were going through the exercise I was reminded of a story about “The King of Togo Togo” (
I’m still trying to find a copy somewhere ). At first glance it’s a wonderful harmless story. The idea is
that everything is alive, even grass is a good one, and one I truly relate to. But when looking at it in
context of this, it makes you think. I know I have topics that I just don’t talk about. I won’t talk about. I
don’t share, and I keep locked away deep inside. Is this lesson that “each blade of grass whispered to the
other” teaching that there is no real place of solitude and one can confide in? Does it teach that rather
then venting, one should just never speak? Did the story actually have an impact on me so much that my
SIlence is a verbal one?

Of course, all these questions can’t all be answered in one blog post, but they are things to wonder. I
really do wonder the implication the lessons of “silence” had on me. The funnier thing is most of them I
sought out myself. But I guess now is the time I need to really evaluate the lessons I’ve learned and do a
good spring cleaning on them, so that I can completely Break the Silence.

A quote come up from last nights creative class. I thought I would share

I am Protennoia the Thought that dwells in the Light
She who exists before the All
I move in every creature
I am the invisible One within the All
I am perseption and Knoledge, uttering a Voice by means of Thought
I am the real Voice.
Trimorphic Protennoia

(Triple-formed Primal Thought)

You know when you wake up and your eyes just don’t want to open? Not for sake of muscle power, but because of
the crusties? Well that was this morning. The best solution was to go back to bed.

Regardless of state of mind I decided to drudge through and work anyway. Now to the point….I love
ant. We are using it at work for building and I’m getting the swing and liking it.
The bestis it’s xml/xslt parsing. I’m working on a clients site with numerous pictures. Now, sure you still
need the time to chug through and resize and name them. But once you’re all complete you can hook up a few little xml config files and parse them through an xslt and voila, pages a plenty!

<target name="xml" description="xml compiler">
    <xslt basedir="${basedir}/etc" destdir="${basedir}/web"
      style="${basedir}/etc/page.xsl">
      <mapper type="glob" from="*.xml" to="*.html"/>
      <outputproperty name="method" value="xml"/>
      <outputproperty name="standalone" value="yes"/>
      <outputproperty name="encoding" value="iso8859_1"/>
      <outputproperty name="indent" value="no"/>
    </xslt>
</target>

Finally got a chance to watch The Machinist last night.
It’s been on my to watch list for some time. Man that movie is messed, but still very beautiful and intriguing to watch.

Last night was another performance by the illustrious Blue Morris 6 (+1). I’m sure Blue will be posting the
outcome shortly, in which case you can then take a listen for yourself.

One thing that made this night different from others was the feedback from the audience. We’ve played other
shows and when it’s done, I’m walking out the door and people are watching me leave with my huge case, but
not saying anything. For this gig a bunch of people came up to us and said “nice show” or “I was really
entertained, thank you”. To those out there who did, I say thank you. It really does make a difference.