Blog

Not much writing going on over here. I’ve been going full steam to trying to get me all settled in this world. Trying to find ways to make the green, while not trying to focus on the green (well, it’s not always green here in Canadia, we have monopoly money … like a lot of other countries). I’ve been working with temp agencies, and I’ve got an interview with Starbucks tomorrow. So, we will see how it all turns out.

I’m going by a really powerful philosophy ( I can’t remember if I’ve shared or not, but oh well, I’ll share anyway. After all, that’s the reason for this blog anyway…isn’t it? ). So the idea is not to resist anything. It’s a very powerful one, and yet, it’s very difficult for people to do it. It means giving up control over everything in you life to the universe. What this means is, if someone asks you out, you go. If someone says left, you turn. It you’re stuck in traffic you wait. The idea is to give up complete control to the universe to guide you. It’s like floating in the sea. You have no control over where you’re going, the tide will guide you. It take’s practice, especially for those control freaks out there. The idea, of not planning, of not knowing, of not freaking, is…well..freaky. The truth is, other then my interview tomorrow, I have no clue what I’m doing. I will lead it to the universe to decide.

Now this isn’t just sitting in my living room waiting for a phone call or sign. There are moments where I do things ( Matter of fact, the less money I have, it seems the more I’m doing). You need to fill the time waiting for a sign. But when it comes, don’t say “oh, but I was right in the middle of…”. Just go! The sign has spoken. And in this time of letting go, and giving up to the flow, I’ve met some wonderful and powerful ( in a spiritual sense ) people. I don’t see everything happen now…it doesn’t work like that. But as I keep this up, things will click, and they already are. After all. I’ve got an interview with Starbucks tomorrow.

For the past 8 weeks, I’ve been going through a self-help process known as The Artists Way. It’s an interesting approach to rekindling your creative perspective/power/confidence. The intention is for me to be able to use it, to help figure out what it is that I want to be when I grow up. Or, in my generalist way, to figure out the things I don’t want to be, and then to have the vision to do everything else.

The not so good thing is, that in this 8 week process, I’m only on week 6. Why? Because life has decided to kick me in the nuts. It’s a bad soccer replay where the entire world ( not really, it just seems that way ) is watching as I fall to the ground holing my privates and praying, “please, oh please, let it still work.” And so, I’ve been repeating week 6 over and over. I’m now at the point of trying to figure out, do I skip and go on to week 7 or am I supposed to be stuck in limbo until I figure it out.

Well, what is the problem, some out there might be asking. What is it that makes week 6 so challenging. Ah yes, week 6 is titled “Recovering a sense of abundance”. So as I’m to the point of incredible penny pinching and paying for the kindness of strangers, it’s no wonder that this is a challenge.

So, back to the conundrum, “should I stay or should I go…” ( na na na na na, oh yeah, I’m a singer ).

I seem to remember in my brain of mine a lesson about needing to see things from all perspectives. For example, if you take any item, and place it in the center of the circle. You need to walk the whole of the circumference before you know what it is. If you just look at it, from say the east, you don’t necessarily know what it is. You could slowly move to the south and still be lost. You could even sit at one part of the circle for day’s trying to figure it out, but still because the other sides of the object are unseen you’ll continue to be baffled. Sometimes, you need to carry on, regardless of whether the picture is in perfect clarity, so that the clarity and understanding comes in hindsight, “oh yeah…now that I’ve seen it from this angle, what I saw over there makes perfect sense!”

On the other hand, the coincidence of the section, and my personal challenges, seems to line up way to much. It’s as if this is one of those cosmic lesson times. The ones that slap you over and over the side of your head until you get them. The kind of lessons that you need to learn to truly be stronger to handle what’s next to come. Just at the time when I’m supposed to learn about abundance, mine “seems”, or should I say “feels”, to dry up. As I think about this out loud, I don’t think it has dried up. It’s just changed. When we think of abundance, we think about the good old green and purple and blue paper we like to hold in our wallets. It’s all about the 1’s and 0’s in our bank accounts. But, maybe that’s the wrong abundance. In my time of need, I’ve had so many people reach out with help and guidance. Maybe it’s time I put the money aside and look at everything else I have in abundance, and work with that. I find when things flow, and you actually learn the lessons given, things fall in line. It’s like the whole trust, “leap and the net will catch you.” Well, if I focus on the other things I have in abundance, I’ll get what I need.

I guess I’ve had enough time to follow the dreams, and now it’s time to set them aside and focus on getting a job. I was hoping to have my dream website done so that I could make “billions” of dollars. But I guess that I’m just going to have to wait on that. The dream isn’t dead, but it’s just not going to be moving along as quickly as it could. Resumes are flying out the door today. Temp services have been called and I’m now active, waiting for someone in the work world not to come in today, or call in sick for tomorrow from some reason or another. I’m following the smell of job’s around the town. I’m following the trail that leads me to money, for I have none.

A part of me feels that this past six months have been a complete failure. I’m wondering why couldn’t I do it. What’s wrong with me? I’m stupid for thinking that I could accomplish such a task. It’s not like it’s rocket science. In my eyes it was a simple site. A simple website. It shouldn’t have been that challenging. And in a way it probably wasn’t. In a way, maybe I have. But in so many more ways, I haven’t. In the past six months I’ve learned so much. I’ve gained so many new perspectives. I’ve tried new things, looked at things differently. I’ve learned a lot about who I am, and what makes me tick. I’ve asked myself some serious questions ( not like I got all the answers but at least the question was asked ). I’ve grown. And that, in my opinion, out ways this “failure”. So in the grand scheme of things I’ve succeeded because 1) I’m not done. I’m going to keep this going. Sure it’s going to take more time, but I’m still moving forward with it. and 2) I have no regrets. I learned something about me from this whole venture. And learning something about yourself is something that you will keep the rest of your life.

So, off to the pavement, with resumes, a smile and a hand shake ready. I’m off to get me a job. I need to work to live.

Had the privilege of watching The Corporation this week. Being one who has worked in the corporate cog it makes me feel a little dirty. After watching, I found myself thinking about the small businesses, the family business, all the business that I over look when on my to any big global company, just because I know the name and saw their ad.

The wiki is now officially gone and deleted. All files deleted; all remnants removed. I’ve updated the mod_rewrite so it should rewrite any book marks that might be stored. If you’ve got any probs, like I always say, leave a comment somewhere and I’ll get it.

With the inclusion of pages in WordPress, there isn’t really a need for the wiki anymore. So, on that note, I’m going to start transitioning the wiki into WordPress pages. I think it will a) open up space on my server for other things and b) integrate all my content into one nice little platform. I’ll be setting up RewriteRules to accommodate the new paths for anyone with bookmarks, but if it doesn’t work, let me know and I’ll get it fixed.

Today was a big day for me. I found out that I was a ritalin kid ( I guess this ties into my recent post declaring myself as a generalist). I knew that I was hyperactive but the thought of actually being diagnosed, that adds an interesting realm to the whole thing. Now a days the definition has changed to ADHD, but it’s all the same.

This is having a funny impact, one that I didn’t expect. It’s the idea of a label. What I have, the problems I’ve faced my entire life now has a label. That seems to have a profound relation to how you handle it. What once I thought was unique about me, by definition, is now considered a disorder – something unwanted, something to remove. I was fighting my own mind. Half of me was agreeing with the term but the other half was yelling, “don’t get rid of it”. Today I found myself driving around town trying to deal with this new found memory. My thoughts drifting as I like to let them; flashes of me wondering. What would it be like to focus for longer then 20 minutes on something? How much more could I accomplish without this? I could actually finish something for once in my life. I found that I was starting to bucket my memories and put “blame” for things. Oh, I did that because I was ADHD. A “regular” person wouldn’t have done that…it must have been because the ADHD.

But I don’t like labels. And this is a prime example for it. It makes excuses. “Oh I can’t finish __ because I’m ADHD”. That’s a bunch of crap! I shook my head around a little and the other half kicks in and reminds me, what would my life have been without it? I wouldn’t be me, that’s for sure. And then I started to think about it more. You know, It’s something that allows me to adapt quicker then others. Because of it, I’m hard wired to deal with several things at once. I’m designed to multi-task. I can use my whirlwind mind can create patterns in a moment where others need time. I can split out possibility after possibility without a second thought. All I need to do is allow my mind to ramble. My disorder is not a disorder at all but a blessing. It makes me, me.

And so, at the end of the day, I wonder, How big was it? Oh it was a big day, but will I change because of it? No way!

It’s an intriguing term I came across this past weekend. And since then I’ve been playing with the term in my mind, “generalist“. What is it? according to answers.com dictionary it is ” One who has broad general knowledge and skills in several areas.”

As I started to look out in the world for generalists, a question jumped out at me.

When in a specialist society, how does a generalist find their place?

As a child we are allowed the flexibility to try all sort of different and diverse things. We need to learn the fundamentals of life and the only way is through diversity: reading, writing, arithmetic, history, geography, etc…. There are various creative outputs we explore, because after all we were children. But as we grow older, society wants us to put a label on who we are. They want to put us into a category. Are you a organizational behaviourist, computer programmer, writer, career consultant? Our education system wants to know our “major”. What do you want to “specialize” in. We go through school and the higher and higher we get in our education the more specific we must become.

Even for our own economical safety, a choice must be made. Are you in computers or hospitality? Your daily job must conform to an industry. Unless you are born independently rich, you must choose. Those who don’t end up in a series of part time jobs just floating and the opportunity for financial freedom becomes bleak. And for those who do as they focus attention on one aspect or career, to make a living, there are thousands of other facets locked away slowly dying away.

Do you know what one of my scariest questions to answer is? “What do you do?”

I freak out. I panic. My mind races across several different aspects of me wondering is there one that is more important than the other? Is there one that I can associate more with? Ultimately I get this blank look on my face and say “I dunno…stuff”. The look of disgust that I’ve gotten has been almost to the point of discrimination.

Well screw them! I don’t want to choose. I want to stay open to all of me. If I’m a writer today and a quantum physicist tomorrow, so be it. If I’m a theologist today and an architect the next, then that is who I am. I don’t want to choose!

I am a generalist.

I don’t know what happened, but I missed the first day of spring! It wasn’t till I was listening to the radio when one of the hosts mentioned this fact. Wha?…Where?…How?….Oh man! But I’m glad it’s here. There is a ritual that I do every year, for spring. It comes from my native upbringing, no Spring Solstice is complete without a read through Jumping Mouse. So I share the story with you.

Once there was a Mouse.

He was a Busy Mouse, Searching Everywhere, Touching his Whiskers to the Grass, and Looking. He was Busy as all Mice are, Busy with Mice things. But Once in a while he would Hear an odd Sound. He would Lift his Head, Squinting hard to See, his Whiskers Wiggling in the Air, and he would Wonder. One Day he Scurried up to a fellow Mouse and asked him, “Do you Hear a Roaring in your Ears, my Brother?”

“No, no,” answered the Other Mouse, not Lifting his Busy Nose from the Ground. “I Hear Nothing. I am Busy now. Talk to me Later.”

He asked Another Mouse the same Question and the Mouse Looked at him Strangely. “Are you Foolish in your Head? What Sound?” he asked and Slipped into a Hole in a Fallen Cottonwood Tree.

The little Mouse shrugged his Whiskers and Busied himself again, Determined to Forget the Whole Matter. But there was that Roaring again. It was faint, very faint, but it was there! One Day, he Decided to investigate the Sound just a little. Leaving the Other Busy Mice, he Scurried a little Way away and Listened again. There It was! He was Listening hard when suddenly, Someone said Hello.

“Hello little Brother,” the Voice said, and Mouse almost Jumped right Out of his Skin. He Arched his Back and Tail and was about to Run.

“Hello,” again said the Voice. “It is I, Brother Raccoon.” And sure enough, It was! “What are you Doing Here all by yourself, little Brother?” asked the Raccoon. The Mouse blushed, and put his Nose almost to the Ground. “I Hear a Roaring in my Ears and I am Investigating it,” he answered timidly.

“A Roaring in your Ears?” replied the Raccoon as he Sat Down with him. “What you Hear, little Brother , is the River.”

“The River?” Mouse asked curiously. “What is a River?”

“Walk with me and I will Show you the River,” Raccoon said.

Little Mouse was terribly Afraid, but he was Determined to Find Out Once and for All about the Roaring. “I can Return to my Work,” he thought, “after this thing is Settled, and possibly this thing may Aid me in All my Busy Examining and Collecting. And my Brothers All said it was Nothing. I will Show them. I will Ask Raccoon to Return with me and I will have Proof.”

“All right Raccoon, my Brother,” said Mouse. “Lead on to the River. I will Walk with you.”

Little Mouse Walked with Raccoon. His little Heart was Pounding in his Breast. The Raccoon was Taking him upon Strange Paths and little Mouse Smelled the Scent of many things that had Gone by his Way. Many times he became so Frightened he almost Turned Back. Finally, they Came to the River! It was Huge and Breathtaking, Deep and Clear in Places, and Murky in Others. Little Mouse was unable to See Across it because it was so Great. It Roared, Sang, Cried, and Thundered on its Course. Little Mouse Saw Great and Little Pieces of the World Carried Along on its Surface.

“It is Powerful!” little Mouse said, Fumbling for Words.

“It is a Great thing,” answered the Raccoon, “But here, let me Introduce you to a Friend.”

In a Smoother, Shallower Place was a Lily Pad, Bright and Green. Sitting upon it was a Frog, almost as Green as the Pad it sat on. The Frog’s White Belly stood out Clearly.

“Hello, little Brother,” said the Frog.

“Welcome to the River.”

“I must Leave you Now,” cut in Raccoon, “but do not Fear, little Brother, for Frog will Care for you Now.” And Raccoon Left, Looking along the River Bank for Food that he might Wash and Eat.

Little Mouse Approached the Water and Looked into it. He saw a Frightened Mouse Reflected there.

“Who are you?” little Mouse asked the Reflection. “Are you not Afraid of being that Far out into the Great River?”

“No, answered the Frog, “I am not Afraid. I have been Given the Gift from Birth to Live both Above and Within the River. When Winter Man Comes and Freezes this Medicine, I cannot be Seen. But all the while Thunderbird Flies, I am here. To Visit me, One must Come when the World is Green. I, my Brother, am the Keeper of the Water.”

“Amazing!” little Mouse said at last, again Fumbling for Words.

“Would you like to have some Medicine Power?” Frog asked.

“Medicine Power? Me?” asked little Mouse. “Yes, yes! If it is Possible.”

“Then Crouch as Low as you Can, and then Jump as High as you are Able! You will have your Medicine!” Frog said.

Little Mouse did as he was Instructed. He Crouched as Low as he Could and Jumped. And when he did, his Eyes Saw the Sacred Mountains.

Little Mouse could hardly Believe his Eyes. But there they were! But then he Fell back to Earth, and he Landed in the River!

Little Mouse became Frightened and Scrambled back to the Bank. He was Wet and Frightened nearly to Death.

“You have Tricked me,” little Mouse Screamed at the Frog!

“Wait,” said the Frog. “You are not Harmed. Do not let your Fear and Anger Blind you. What did you See?”

“I,” Mouse stammered, “I Saw the Sacred Mountains!”

“And you have a New Name!” Frog said. “It is Jumping Mouse.”

“Thank you. Thank you,” Jumping Mouse said, and Thanked him again. “I want to Return to my People and Tell them of this thing that has Happened to me.”

“Go. Go then,” Frog said. “Return to your People. It is Easy to Find them. Keep the Sound of the Medicine River to the back of your Head. Go Opposite to the Sound and you will Find your Brother Mice.”

Jumping Mouse Returned to the World of the Mice. But he Found Disappointment. No One would Listen to him. And because he was Wet, and had no Way of explaining it because there had been no Rain, many of the other Mice were Afraid of him. They believed he had been Spat from the Mouth of Another Animal that had Tried to Eat him. And they all Knew that if he had not been Food for the One who Wanted him, then he must also be Poison for them.

Jumping Mouse Lived again among his People, but he could not Forget his Vision of the Sacred Mountains.

The Memory Burned in the Mind and Heart of Jumping Mouse, and One Day he Went to the Edge of the Place of Mice and Looked out onto the Prairie. He looked up for Eagles. The Sky was Full of many Spots, each One an Eagle. But he was Determined to Go to the Sacred Mountains. He Gathered All of his Courage and Ran just as Fast as he Could onto the Prairie. His little Heart Pounded with Excitement and Fear.

He Ran until he Came to a stand of Sage. He was Resting and trying to Catch his Breath when he Saw an Old Mouse. The Patch of Sage Old Mouse Lived in was a Haven for Mice. Seeds and many things to be Busy with.

“Hello,” said Old Mouse. “Welcome.”

Jumping Mouse was Amazed. Such a Place and such a Mouse. “You are Truly a great Mouse.” Jumping Mouse said with all the Respect that he could Find. “This is Truly a Wonderful Place. And the Eagles cannot See you here, either,” Jumping Mouse said.

“Yes,” said Old Mouse,” and One can See All the Beings of the Prairie here: the Buffalo, Antelope, Rabbit, and Coyote. One can See them All from here and Know their Names.”

“That is Marvelous,” Jumping Mouse said. “Can you also See the River and the Great Mountains?”

“Yes and No,” Old Mouse Said with Conviction. “I Know the Great River, But I am Afraid that the Great Mountains are only a Myth. Forget your Passion to See Them and Stay here with me. There is Everything you Want here, and it is a Good Place to Be.”

“How can he Say such a thing?” Thought Jumping Mouse. “The Medicine of the Sacred Mountains is Nothing One can Forget.”

“Thank you very much for the Meal you have Shared with me, Old Mouse, and also for sharing your Great Home,” Jumping Mouse said. “But I must Seek the Mountains.”

“You are a Foolish Mouse to Leave, there is Danger on the Prairie! Just Look up there!” Old Mouse said, with even more Conviction. “See all those Spots! They are Eagles, and they will Catch you!”

It was hard for Jumping Mouse to Leave, but he Gathered his Determination and Rand hard Again.

The Ground was Rough. But he Arched his Tail and Ran with All his Might. He could Feel the Shadows of the Spots upon his Back as he Ran. All those Spots! Finally he Ran into a Stand of Chokecherries. Jumping Mouse could hardly Believe his Eyes. It was Cool there and very Spacious. There was Water, Cherries, and Seeds to Eat, Grasses to Gather for Nests, Holes to be Explored and many, many Other Busy Things to do. And there were a great many things to Gather.

He was Investigating his New Domain when he Heard very Heavy Breathing. He Quickly Investigated the Sound and Discovered its Source. It was a Great Mound of Hair with Black Horns. It was a Great Buffalo. Jumping Mouse could hardly Believe the Greatness of the Being he Saw Lying there before him. He was so large that Jumping Mouse could have Crawled into One of his Great Horns. “Such a Magnificent Being,” Thought Jumping Mouse, and he Crept Closer.

“Hello, my Brother,” said the Buffalo. “Thank you for Visiting me.”

“Hello Great Being,” said Jumping Mouse. “Why are you Lying here?”

“I am Sick and I am Dying” the Buffalo said.

“And my Medicine has Told me that only the Eye of a Mouse can Heal me. But little Brother, there is no such Thing as a Mouse.”

Jumping Mouse was Shocked. “One of my Eyes!” he Thought. “One of my Tiny Eyes.” He Scurried back into the Stand of Chokecherries. But the breathing came Harder and Slower.

“He will Die.” Thought Jumping Mouse. “If I do not Give him my Eye. He is too Great a Being to Let Die.”

He Went Back to where the Buffalo Lay and Spoke. “I am a Mouse.” he said with a Shaky Voice. “And you, my Brother, are a Great Being. I cannot Let you Die. I have Two Eyes, so you may have One of them.”

The minute he Said it, Jumping Mouse’s Eye Flew Out of his Head and the Buffalo was Made Whole. The Buffalo jumped to his Feet, Shaking Jumping Mouse’s Whole World.

“Thank you, my little Brother,” said the Buffalo. “I Know of your Quest for the Sacred Mountains and of your Visit to the River. You have Given me Life so that I may Give-Away to the People. I will be your Brother Forever. Run under my Belly and I will Take you right to the Foot of the Sacred Mountains, and you need not Fear the Spots. The Eagles cannot See you while you Run under Me. All they will See will be the Back of a Buffalo. I am of the Prairie and I will Fall on you if I Try to Go up the Mountains.”

Little Mouse Ran under the Buffalo, Secure and Hidden from the Spots, but with only One Eye it was Frightening. The Buffalo’s Great Hooves Shook the Whole World each time he took a Step. finally the Came to a Place and Buffalo Stopped.

“This is Where I must Leave you, little Brother,” said the Buffalo.

“Thank you very much,” said Jumping Mouse. “But you Know, it was very Frightening Running under you with only One Eye. I was Constantly in Fear of your Great Earth-Shaking Hooves.”

“Your Fear was for Nothing,” said Buffalo, “For my Way of Walking is the Sun Dance Way, and I Always Know where my Hooves will Fall. I now must Return to the Prairie, my Brother, You can Always Find me there.”

Jumping Mouse Immediately Began to Investigate his New Surroundings. There were even more things here than in the Other Places, Busier things, and Abundance of Seeds and Other things Mice Like. In his Investigation of these things, Suddenly he Ran upon a Gray Wolf who was Sitting there doing absolutely Nothing.

“Hello, Brother Wolf,” Jumping Mouse said.

The Wolf’s Ears Came Alert and his Eyes Shone. “Wolf! Wolf! Yes, that is what I am, I am a Wolf!” But then his mind Dimmed again and it was not long before he Sat Quietly again, completely without Memory as to who he was. Each time Jumping Mouse Reminded him who he was, he became Excited with the News, but soon would Forget again.

“Such a Great Being,” thought Jumping Mouse, “but he has no Memory.”

Jumping Mouse Went to the Center of his New Place and was Quiet. He Listened for a very long time to the Beating of his Heart. Then Suddenly he Made up his Mind. He Scurried back to where the Wolf Sat and he Spoke.

“Brother Wolf,” Jumping Mouse said. ….

“Wolf! Wolf,” said the Wolf ….

“Please Brother Wolf,” said Jumping Mouse, “Please Listen to me. I Know what will Heal you. It is One of my Eyes. And I Want to Give it to you. You are a Greater Being than I. I am only a Mouse. Please Take it.”

When Jumping Mouse Stopped Speaking his Eye Flew out of his Head and the Wolf was made Whole.

Tears Fell down the Cheeks of the Wolf, but his little Brother could not See them, for Now he was Blind.

“You are a Great Brother,” said the Wolf, “for Now I have my Memory. But Now you are Blind. I am the Guide into the Sacred Mountains. I will Take you there. There is a Great Medicine Lake there. The most Beautiful Lake in the World. All the World is reflected there. The People, the Lodges of the People, and All the Beings of the Prairies and Skies.”

“Please Take me there,” Jumping Mouse said. The Wolf Guided him through the Pines to the Medicine Lake. Jumping Mouse Drank the Water from the Lake. The Wolf Described the Beauty to him.

“I must Leave you here,” said Wolf, “For I must Return so that I may Guide Others, but I will Remain with you as long as you Like.”

“Thank you, my Brother,” said Jumping Mouse. “But although I am Frightened to be Alone, I Know you must Go so that you may Show Others the Way to this Place.”

Jumping Mouse Sat there Trembling in Fear. It was no use Running, for he was Blind, but he Knew an Eagle would Find him Here. He Felt a Shadow on his Back and Heard the Sound that Eagles Make. He Braced himself for the Shock. And the Eagle Hit! Jumping Mouse went to Sleep.

Then he Woke Up. The surprise of being Alive was Great, but Now he could See!

Everything was Blurry, but the Colors were beautiful.

“I can See! I can See!” said Jumping Mouse over again and again.

A Blurry Shape Came toward Jumping Mouse. Jumping Mouse Squinted hard but the Shape Remained a Blur.

“Hello, Brother,” a Voice said. “Do you Want some Medicine?”

“Some Medicine for me?” asked Jumping Mouse. “Yes! Yes!”

“Then Crouch down as Low as you Can,” the Voice said, “and Jump as High as you Can.”

Jumping Mouse did as he was Instructed. He Crouched as Low as he Could and Jumped! The Wind Caught him and Carried him Higher.”

“Do not be Afraid,” the Voice called to him. “Hang on to the Wind and Trust!”

Jumping Mouse did. He Closed his Eyes and Hung on to the Wind and it Carried Higher and Higher. Jumping Mouse Opened his Eyes and they were Clear, and the Higher he Went the Clearer they Became. Jumping Mouse Saw his Old Friend upon a Lily Pad on the Beautiful Medicine Lake. It was the Frog.

“You have a New Name,” Called the Frog. “You are Eagle!”