What is this “Confused Voice”?

What it is; What it isn’t.

Photo by Zhifei Zhou on Unsplash

Confused Voice? Does that mean you “hear” voices?

No. I do not hear voices [ right now ]. This is about my personal voice, and being comfortable with who I am. If you want information about how to cope with hearing voices and how to manage, I suggest you look somewhere else

So you’re “confused”?

Yes. I am. I’m trying to figure out who I want to be. People who “know in their bones” who they are, and who they want to be, are mesmerizing. They are without apology or restraint. I want that. At certain points in my life, I thought I was getting there, I felt a strong certainty… then… it… faded. Life happened. I happened. Doubt. Confusion. Fear.

What it’s all about.

This is a form of shock therapy for me. I could write a personal journal, you know, the old fashioned way, where I swear and yell and scream with vowels and then hide the tattered pages under my bed. Not saying those pages aren’t there in the shadows, just, they aren’t helping. I need to say these things out loud in a crowded room. Not shy away. So it needs to be public.

There will be fucking swearing. I struggle with censorship. Self censorship mostly, hence the tagline. It’s this little voice inside my head that says, “if you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t post it.” And generally it’s a great rule of thumb and works very well for my day job. But what’s ended up happening is slowly what I defined as “nice” ended up being “don’t offend” and “please everyone” — and there’s the problem. So there’s not going to be censoring — matter of fact ( more for my benefit than your’s )… elephant fucking, shit tard, cock nuggets, penis!! Done.

This time I’m looking for answers [added Jan 2018]. When I first started this all, it was to start down the rabbit hole. Now, I think perhaps I need to add some more analytical work? Be a professional and shit and really critique myself and others. I want to not only break the silence, but find clarity and focus in my voice.

I’ve done this several times in several ways — start, stop, start, stop, get distracted by something sparkly, forget, then it rots. I would love to say that I won’t do that again — but at least not today.