I’m all wrapped and consumed in my own little world. It’s funny how when you have no money how blinders on thought easily pop up. It’s tunnel vision for your life. It’s a good task to keep up the journaling and blogging, because it allows me the weekly pleasure of getting things down and out into the world. It’s a small moment where I take them off and say…oh, that’s what that is. Or, hey, that was pretty cool.

For example this past week I’ve been on a mission. I’ve probably been on a hap hazard one, but nonetheless, I need a job. And so, I’ve been going about town, dropping off resumes, getting hooked up with temp services, going for job interviews. I’ve been doing everything. As the week progresses, you just think, hey, I’m not getting anything out of this, but when you least expect it, or when I take the blinders off, I really realize what I’ve done.

This week I created a new and improved www.creativetoolbox.ca. Me, Willy and Trish have been working really hard to get this site out the door and done. I’ve upgraded it so that they can make content alterations themselves. It’s a nice piece of work, if I do say so myself. We only did it and about a week. Wow, about a week for a site. That’s pretty intense, if I do say so myself. Plus I have a few temp contracts along the way. And just today I heard back from Starbucks and I could have a job. So when I sit back and look at the past week, I say wow…

It’s nice to really look at the things I done and say “I rule!” And only by taking that moment to step back can I do that.

Not much writing going on over here. I’ve been going full steam to trying to get me all settled in this world. Trying to find ways to make the green, while not trying to focus on the green (well, it’s not always green here in Canadia, we have monopoly money … like a lot of other countries). I’ve been working with temp agencies, and I’ve got an interview with Starbucks tomorrow. So, we will see how it all turns out.

I’m going by a really powerful philosophy ( I can’t remember if I’ve shared or not, but oh well, I’ll share anyway. After all, that’s the reason for this blog anyway…isn’t it? ). So the idea is not to resist anything. It’s a very powerful one, and yet, it’s very difficult for people to do it. It means giving up control over everything in you life to the universe. What this means is, if someone asks you out, you go. If someone says left, you turn. It you’re stuck in traffic you wait. The idea is to give up complete control to the universe to guide you. It’s like floating in the sea. You have no control over where you’re going, the tide will guide you. It take’s practice, especially for those control freaks out there. The idea, of not planning, of not knowing, of not freaking, is…well..freaky. The truth is, other then my interview tomorrow, I have no clue what I’m doing. I will lead it to the universe to decide.

Now this isn’t just sitting in my living room waiting for a phone call or sign. There are moments where I do things ( Matter of fact, the less money I have, it seems the more I’m doing). You need to fill the time waiting for a sign. But when it comes, don’t say “oh, but I was right in the middle of…”. Just go! The sign has spoken. And in this time of letting go, and giving up to the flow, I’ve met some wonderful and powerful ( in a spiritual sense ) people. I don’t see everything happen now…it doesn’t work like that. But as I keep this up, things will click, and they already are. After all. I’ve got an interview with Starbucks tomorrow.

For the past 8 weeks, I’ve been going through a self-help process known as The Artists Way. It’s an interesting approach to rekindling your creative perspective/power/confidence. The intention is for me to be able to use it, to help figure out what it is that I want to be when I grow up. Or, in my generalist way, to figure out the things I don’t want to be, and then to have the vision to do everything else.

The not so good thing is, that in this 8 week process, I’m only on week 6. Why? Because life has decided to kick me in the nuts. It’s a bad soccer replay where the entire world ( not really, it just seems that way ) is watching as I fall to the ground holing my privates and praying, “please, oh please, let it still work.” And so, I’ve been repeating week 6 over and over. I’m now at the point of trying to figure out, do I skip and go on to week 7 or am I supposed to be stuck in limbo until I figure it out.

Well, what is the problem, some out there might be asking. What is it that makes week 6 so challenging. Ah yes, week 6 is titled “Recovering a sense of abundance”. So as I’m to the point of incredible penny pinching and paying for the kindness of strangers, it’s no wonder that this is a challenge.

So, back to the conundrum, “should I stay or should I go…” ( na na na na na, oh yeah, I’m a singer ).

I seem to remember in my brain of mine a lesson about needing to see things from all perspectives. For example, if you take any item, and place it in the center of the circle. You need to walk the whole of the circumference before you know what it is. If you just look at it, from say the east, you don’t necessarily know what it is. You could slowly move to the south and still be lost. You could even sit at one part of the circle for day’s trying to figure it out, but still because the other sides of the object are unseen you’ll continue to be baffled. Sometimes, you need to carry on, regardless of whether the picture is in perfect clarity, so that the clarity and understanding comes in hindsight, “oh yeah…now that I’ve seen it from this angle, what I saw over there makes perfect sense!”

On the other hand, the coincidence of the section, and my personal challenges, seems to line up way to much. It’s as if this is one of those cosmic lesson times. The ones that slap you over and over the side of your head until you get them. The kind of lessons that you need to learn to truly be stronger to handle what’s next to come. Just at the time when I’m supposed to learn about abundance, mine “seems”, or should I say “feels”, to dry up. As I think about this out loud, I don’t think it has dried up. It’s just changed. When we think of abundance, we think about the good old green and purple and blue paper we like to hold in our wallets. It’s all about the 1’s and 0’s in our bank accounts. But, maybe that’s the wrong abundance. In my time of need, I’ve had so many people reach out with help and guidance. Maybe it’s time I put the money aside and look at everything else I have in abundance, and work with that. I find when things flow, and you actually learn the lessons given, things fall in line. It’s like the whole trust, “leap and the net will catch you.” Well, if I focus on the other things I have in abundance, I’ll get what I need.

I guess I’ve had enough time to follow the dreams, and now it’s time to set them aside and focus on getting a job. I was hoping to have my dream website done so that I could make “billions” of dollars. But I guess that I’m just going to have to wait on that. The dream isn’t dead, but it’s just not going to be moving along as quickly as it could. Resumes are flying out the door today. Temp services have been called and I’m now active, waiting for someone in the work world not to come in today, or call in sick for tomorrow from some reason or another. I’m following the smell of job’s around the town. I’m following the trail that leads me to money, for I have none.

A part of me feels that this past six months have been a complete failure. I’m wondering why couldn’t I do it. What’s wrong with me? I’m stupid for thinking that I could accomplish such a task. It’s not like it’s rocket science. In my eyes it was a simple site. A simple website. It shouldn’t have been that challenging. And in a way it probably wasn’t. In a way, maybe I have. But in so many more ways, I haven’t. In the past six months I’ve learned so much. I’ve gained so many new perspectives. I’ve tried new things, looked at things differently. I’ve learned a lot about who I am, and what makes me tick. I’ve asked myself some serious questions ( not like I got all the answers but at least the question was asked ). I’ve grown. And that, in my opinion, out ways this “failure”. So in the grand scheme of things I’ve succeeded because 1) I’m not done. I’m going to keep this going. Sure it’s going to take more time, but I’m still moving forward with it. and 2) I have no regrets. I learned something about me from this whole venture. And learning something about yourself is something that you will keep the rest of your life.

So, off to the pavement, with resumes, a smile and a hand shake ready. I’m off to get me a job. I need to work to live.

Had the privilege of watching The Corporation this week. Being one who has worked in the corporate cog it makes me feel a little dirty. After watching, I found myself thinking about the small businesses, the family business, all the business that I over look when on my to any big global company, just because I know the name and saw their ad.

The wiki is now officially gone and deleted. All files deleted; all remnants removed. I’ve updated the mod_rewrite so it should rewrite any book marks that might be stored. If you’ve got any probs, like I always say, leave a comment somewhere and I’ll get it.

With the inclusion of pages in WordPress, there isn’t really a need for the wiki anymore. So, on that note, I’m going to start transitioning the wiki into WordPress pages. I think it will a) open up space on my server for other things and b) integrate all my content into one nice little platform. I’ll be setting up RewriteRules to accommodate the new paths for anyone with bookmarks, but if it doesn’t work, let me know and I’ll get it fixed.

Today was a big day for me. I found out that I was a ritalin kid ( I guess this ties into my recent post declaring myself as a generalist). I knew that I was hyperactive but the thought of actually being diagnosed, that adds an interesting realm to the whole thing. Now a days the definition has changed to ADHD, but it’s all the same.

This is having a funny impact, one that I didn’t expect. It’s the idea of a label. What I have, the problems I’ve faced my entire life now has a label. That seems to have a profound relation to how you handle it. What once I thought was unique about me, by definition, is now considered a disorder – something unwanted, something to remove. I was fighting my own mind. Half of me was agreeing with the term but the other half was yelling, “don’t get rid of it”. Today I found myself driving around town trying to deal with this new found memory. My thoughts drifting as I like to let them; flashes of me wondering. What would it be like to focus for longer then 20 minutes on something? How much more could I accomplish without this? I could actually finish something for once in my life. I found that I was starting to bucket my memories and put “blame” for things. Oh, I did that because I was ADHD. A “regular” person wouldn’t have done that…it must have been because the ADHD.

But I don’t like labels. And this is a prime example for it. It makes excuses. “Oh I can’t finish __ because I’m ADHD”. That’s a bunch of crap! I shook my head around a little and the other half kicks in and reminds me, what would my life have been without it? I wouldn’t be me, that’s for sure. And then I started to think about it more. You know, It’s something that allows me to adapt quicker then others. Because of it, I’m hard wired to deal with several things at once. I’m designed to multi-task. I can use my whirlwind mind can create patterns in a moment where others need time. I can split out possibility after possibility without a second thought. All I need to do is allow my mind to ramble. My disorder is not a disorder at all but a blessing. It makes me, me.

And so, at the end of the day, I wonder, How big was it? Oh it was a big day, but will I change because of it? No way!

It’s an intriguing term I came across this past weekend. And since then I’ve been playing with the term in my mind, “generalist“. What is it? according to answers.com dictionary it is ” One who has broad general knowledge and skills in several areas.”

As I started to look out in the world for generalists, a question jumped out at me.

When in a specialist society, how does a generalist find their place?

As a child we are allowed the flexibility to try all sort of different and diverse things. We need to learn the fundamentals of life and the only way is through diversity: reading, writing, arithmetic, history, geography, etc…. There are various creative outputs we explore, because after all we were children. But as we grow older, society wants us to put a label on who we are. They want to put us into a category. Are you a organizational behaviourist, computer programmer, writer, career consultant? Our education system wants to know our “major”. What do you want to “specialize” in. We go through school and the higher and higher we get in our education the more specific we must become.

Even for our own economical safety, a choice must be made. Are you in computers or hospitality? Your daily job must conform to an industry. Unless you are born independently rich, you must choose. Those who don’t end up in a series of part time jobs just floating and the opportunity for financial freedom becomes bleak. And for those who do as they focus attention on one aspect or career, to make a living, there are thousands of other facets locked away slowly dying away.

Do you know what one of my scariest questions to answer is? “What do you do?”

I freak out. I panic. My mind races across several different aspects of me wondering is there one that is more important than the other? Is there one that I can associate more with? Ultimately I get this blank look on my face and say “I dunno…stuff”. The look of disgust that I’ve gotten has been almost to the point of discrimination.

Well screw them! I don’t want to choose. I want to stay open to all of me. If I’m a writer today and a quantum physicist tomorrow, so be it. If I’m a theologist today and an architect the next, then that is who I am. I don’t want to choose!

I am a generalist.

I don’t know what happened, but I missed the first day of spring! It wasn’t till I was listening to the radio when one of the hosts mentioned this fact. Wha?…Where?…How?….Oh man! But I’m glad it’s here. There is a ritual that I do every year, for spring. It comes from my native upbringing, no Spring Solstice is complete without a read through Jumping Mouse. So I share the story with you.